Frequently Asked Questions Asked About Child Custody Disputes And Children Involved In Divorce

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. How should we tell our children about the divorce?
a. IMPORTANT: The parents must talk about the issue of how to break the news to the children in advance, and plan for the event.
b. It is best to break the news to the children together if you can do that without anger or blame.
c. Let the children know why you are getting divorced in a truthful way that is developmentally appropriate. Try to focus on the difficult issues in the relationship without blame.
d. Let the children know the practical details of the changes that will be made. They need to know where they will be living, going to school and physical changes that will be occurring in their lives. They need structure and to know what to expect.
e. Give the children time to absorb the information and express their feelings. Let them know that you are feeling sad and whatever else you are feeling in a non-blaming manner. Keep an ongoing dialogue that allows the children to express their concerns and emotions.
f. Let the children know that it is not their fault. Assure them that both parents will continue to be there for them and that the problem is between you and the other parent and has nothing to do with them.


2. We are getting along all right and agree that the children should have a flexible schedule. Do we really need a parenting plan?
Yes you do. The court requires that you file a parenting plan at the time of divorce. You may be getting along well right now but that can change over time. It is good to have a plan in place to follow if you do not agree in the future. It is wonderful to be flexible and let current activities and events as well as the children’s wishes determine your schedule but for the times that you do not agree a parenting plan will be invaluable.


3. I’m moving into a small apartment. How can I make the children comfortable when they come to visit me?
a. Make a special place in your home for your child. If you don’t have a spare bedroom, make a place for your child’s bed and belongings. Providing a special place helps your child conceive of your home as her home too.
b. Decide about household rules such as bedtime, chore, and behavior. Even if these rules are different in both homes, it is still important to have them.
c. Have some special things for your child to do at your home. Buy some toys, art supplies and games that you can do together. Garage sales and second hand stores are places where you can often find inexpensive equipment. If you purchase a special toy, a DVD or a piece of sports equipment that your child has been wanting, don’t insist that she leave it at your house. That could cause resentment.
d. Have extra clothes for your children at your house. Some parents prefer to have a wardrobe at their house so clothes don’t have to be taken back and forth. Make certain that you send back the clothes that your child wore to your home. It’s a very nice gesture to launder them and send them back clean.



4. What is parent alienation syndrome?
It is normal for a child at different times of life to show a preference for one of his/her parents. But when divorcing parents engage in too much conflict, children often feel they must take a side. Then the slight preference can become a blinding, obsessive, relentless alignment with one parent. Often this is quite gratifying to the parent, and if they are not aware they will encourage this type of behavior. Due to the level of conflict and the power of which parent the child aligns with, parents can give the child subtle and even unconscious messages to reject the alienated parent. The child comes to view the “bad” parent very critically, and many children will say that they “hate” that parent. They are very confused and have received subtle signals that this is a correct way to feel. The relationship between the alienated parent and the child can be damaged forever. It is important to note that the relationship between the child and the alienating parent is damaged as well. It may appear differently on the surface but the long-term effects are very profound. The development of pare alienation is probably the most damaging aspect of divorce on children, and its effects can be life-lone.




5. If disputed custody is unavoidable how do I explain it to the children?

Keep in mind that the children need to know the truth. How much of the truth is the important consideration. Think in terms of the child’s development and how much they can comprehend. More importantly consider how much of what you consider the truth is merely conjecture on your part.
Example: You and your spouse had a heated discussion last night about who would remain in the house with the children. You had no doubt that you would remain in the house with the kids. After all you had always been the one to do “everything” for the children. You spouse was busy with outside interests/ it is only recently that you spouse even knew what school the children attend let alone their teacher’s names and their grade levels. Your spouse on the other hand just began volunteering in the classroom and scheduled a meeting with the entire school staff to discuss your child’s “learning disability.” Your child comes home and says, “Mommy says that I need special classes at school. Why didn’t you ever talk to my teachers about that? Mommy says that I am going to live with her because you don’t care as much about me as she does.” Don’t go into a diatribe about mommy’s past disinterest in your child’s schooling and her interest in going out partying every night. Tell your child that you are interested in how he is doing in school and also plan to have a school conference or plan to attend that meeting. If you and his mother have not yet determined who will be living in the family home with the children, tell them just that-that it hasn’t been decided yet. If you and your spouse are getting divorced because you came home from work early and found him in bed with your best friend; that is something that your children do not need to know. The divorce will be difficult enough for them without adding lurid *** details and a description of his shortcomings. The goal here is to give your child support and provide as much stability as possible in a very difficult situation. It is not to enlist your child on your team. Children whose parents involve them in the conflict have a much more difficult time adjusting than children who are given support and given information in a helpful way.