The Biggest Mistake Negotiators Make

When I started out in business I used to have very firm views about what is right and what is wrong with regards to business specifically, and life in general. I had the opportunity to travel a bit across Africa, Europe and the USA, and it was very interesting for me to note the differences in cultures I encountered during my travels.

Even though I realized that people did things differently in other countries, I still thought that the way we did things seemed to be the right way, and any other way seemed to be wrong (not just different).

As I've matured and spent more time on the road, traveling to many different countries (I've had the opportunity to consult and deliver training in 38 countries to date), I've come to realize that thinking in terms of right & wrong is not useful at all. In fact, it can be extremely counterproductive. People are different from each other, even those sharing the same ethnic origin, and this is a blessing.

How boring and conformist would life be if we all shared the same views, beliefs and interests? What I regard as one of the greatest perks of my line of work is the opportunity that I get to meet people from all walks of life. I find it fascinating that whilst we can be very different in terms of our customs, habits and behaviors, very often we desire similar things at a personal or business level.

The funny thing is that most of the time when we start negotiating with others, we expect them to share (and often even support) our views, beliefs and interests. We are then surprised and offended when they don't see things the way we see them! We believe that what we propose makes such obvious sense that surely they must see it the same way and if they don't, we decide it is a lack of of insight or experience on their part.

This is, without a doubt, the biggest single mistake that I see people make when they negotiate. For some reason, we believe that because the argument seems so obvious to us, surely our counterpart will also see our logic if only they would listen to us!

My life has become so much easier since I realized that the easiest way to convince people to move in my direction is to satisfy their unique and specific interests first, rather than convincing them of the strength of my argument. And the only way to uncover your counterpart's unique and specific interests is by asking them!

Not only will you uncover information that is probably very relevant to your negotiation, but by demonstrating an interest and a genuine desire to support his/her needs and preferences, he/she will most likely be moved to be just as accommodating come time for your requests and needs. This is why the stern faced, tactical approach to negotiation seldom works as it restricts opportunities by aggravating relationships.

Stephen Covey said it best: 'Seek first to understand, then to be understood.'