Why Women Make This Mistake With Men And Relationships And How To Avoid It

As humans, we often disregard things we don't understand. If they don't make sense to us, we reason, then they probably aren't worth much. One of the most important things to know about a man is his primary fear...to be incompetent. It's the complete opposite of the primary female fear...to be alone. The health of your dating or marriage relationship is directly related to your ability to help decrease your man's primary fear of being incompetent.

It might bother the typical male a little if you were to imply that he wasn't very nice. But... if you were to imply directly or indirectly that he wasn't competent at his job, at being your mate, etc., that would hurt him much, much more.

In addition, the feedback that means the most to a man comes from his wife and in many cases, his girlfriend. The thoughts and feelings she has about him make the biggest impression, more than what others think. What a married man wants most, is a happy wife. He believes he's doing a good job as a husband if she's happy.

What if she fails to share with her man what she's happy about? What if she compliments him like she would another woman, a manner that means little to most men?

Talk to him in a way that he understands.

Let's say...for example, there's a cupboard door in the kitchen that he fixes. He does something simple like the tightening of the screws, ensuring that it's firmly in place.

Now, if he were a female (I know...that's probably a bit hard to imagine, OK...really hard to imagine, but work with me), you might say that it was very "considerate" or "nice" of him to fix the cupboard door. "Honey...that was a very kind thing to do!""Connection" is what this sort of language is rooted in." Being connected is the opposite of being alone, which, as I mentioned earlier, is the primary female fear. "Nice" people, "kind" people and "considerate" people are the type of people who are best able to connect.

In effect, what your uniquely female language is telling the man, your man, is that his actions have enabled the two of you to connect, to not be alone. Is it possible to give him a higher compliment? Could you possibly provide greater reassurance? You have assured him that the two of you are connected, that he is not alone. Isn't that what a man wants most?

Wrong. That's what a woman wants most.

Think for a moment how children interact. Two girls are mad at each other. A warning is uttered by one of the girls. "I won't be you're friend." The message? Our connection as friends will be severed and you will therefore suffer. When have you ever, and I mean EVER, heard a boy threaten another boy in that manner? A boy's threat to another boy has to do with issues of competence. "I'll punch you." "I bet I'm stronger than you are." A boy's natural first response to the threat of being hit, is to figure out if he has the resources to handle the boy who is threatening him. The more competent he feels about handling the physical threat, the less fear he feels. His primary concern is not whether he's potentially going to lose "connection" with this other boy.

So...what is most important to a man, is knowing that he's a positive contributor to the life of his wife or girlfriend. That he's a valuable part of your life, a competent and valuable member of the family. Complimenting him on who he is isn't as important as complimenting him on what he does.

That's worth repeating.

Being "nice" or "kind" isn't nearly as important to men as being recognized for what they do, and how they contribute to make things better." If you can explain to him how his "nice" and "kind" behaviour directly affects his competence and contribution as a man, then he's very happy.

Let's take another look at the "fixing of the cupboard door" scenario and see how else you could talk to him.

Tell him, "Honey, I appreciate how you fixed the cupboard door, now I'm not concerned about it falling off and hitting me in the head. I feel much safer now."

This compliment is specific and most importantly, stated clearly in terms of how his actions have made your life better, safer, etc. This compliment connects...your feelings...to the action he's taken.

If a husband doesn't see a connection between what he does for you as his wife, and how it impacts you, he will decrease and in lots of cases stop trying completely. If a man only gets negative feedback, or no feedback at all from you, he is likely to seek out other places to get positive feedback. This may be his work, the kids, hobbies or sadly, another woman.