Divorce Recovery - Single Parent Strategies

The initial shock of dealing not only with the breakup but also the overwhelming feeling of having to face the challenge of parenting alone can seem impossible to face. The key is to create a solid foundation which is stable for the children, but which also allows room for you to grow as an individual. The first few months following your break-up are extremely important, as this is the period in which you are just getting settled in and starting to adjust to your new life.

As you transition through the various stages of loss and separation, primarily as it pertains to the stage associated with depression, it will be normal for you to want to be alone with your thoughts. It's important that you work through this stage as effectively as possible, as being isolated will not help you in the long run.

Based on my own experience, I have created a list of strategies that I have found extremely useful in stabilizing my life and reducing the stress.

1. Focus on YOU: When you parent, you are essentially taking a piece of yourself and giving it to your children. What happens if you give, give, and give some more, without ever replenishing the source? You run out. You become emotionally bankrupt. Parenting takes such a physical and emotional toll that you must re-balance, recharge, replace, and renew you. You can achieve this by getting out and doing something for yourself on a regular basis. Get out of the house, go read a book in a quiet place, go to the movies, or go to the gym and blow of some steam. Whatever it is that you enjoy doing; you must not give that up. In fact it needs to become a regular part of your routine.

2. Get a support system: The most important thing to consider is, who will be a part of your support system? Obviously you will start with those closest to you and work outward from there. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are all valuable assets in helping you create a support system. If you don't have any immediate friends or family to participate in a support system, you can find support groups in your community or at your children's school. If you still have no luck in building a support system, you can look online for people searching for the same sort of support. Obviously, this is an option that must be approached with great care and concern. However, it's not one that you should eliminate altogether, as there are numerous good, honest, trustworthy people in your very situation who would benefit from a mutual support system.

3. Create a schedule: Once you have identified your support system, create and keep a regular schedule of who has the kiddos on which days. Keeping a schedule will allow you to pre-schedule time for yourself.

4. Share Necessary Duties with Your Support System: This can be the same support system that watches your children, or a different one altogether. The goal is to have shared eyes and hands as you do essential task such as shopping, cooking, laundry, and other routines. By doing these things together, those necessary tasks will become more enjoyable, as well as providing an additional set of eyes as you run to the dryer to fold a load of towels.

5. Don't try to be the better parent: You already are the better parent and your children already know it, so you don't have to try and one-up your ex. There is no benefit in this. However, it is part of a natural competitive instinct to try and do more or better things than your co-parent. You must check yourself and not get caught up in these games. Your children love you for who you are and what you do for them, so if Disneyland dad, or good-timing mom blows in for a wild time and leaves when the rubber meets the road, don't worry. Your children still love you just as much. In fact, they may even favor you more, because in addition to love, you are teaching them responsibility and stability.

6. Create new habits: Remember, in a previous section we focused on creating new habits? Well, now is the time to create habits for your newer, smaller family. Movie night on Fridays, or video game Saturdays can and should be implemented into your new structure as a way to create new traditions and lasting memories.

7. Adopt a pet: Children love animals. If you don't have a pet, you might consider getting one. Having an animal around helps re-balance the home and fills the void. Animals are also great at providing love, affection, and attention-something every home could use more of.

8. Going to see your ex? Get a co-pilot It is inevitable that when you are co-parenting there will be awkward times of shared space. Even worse, if your ex may be involved with someone else, and decide to bring that person along. Sports events, school functions, and other circumstances where you and your co-parent cross paths are generally awkward. You can make them less so by bringing a friend or relative along. Having someone to offer conversation and support during these moments is very valuable.

I end this article with a quote I love, by Joyce Maynard: It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. It is my hope that you enable your recovery, pursue your discovery, and do all that you can to set an amazing example for your children, and that in doing so you create an amazing example for yourself. You're stronger than you think. Now, go do it.