An unfaithful spouse. What a terrifying thought. When one thinks of a unfaithful spouse, one usually thinks of a soap-opera or of an unfortunate neighbor - rarely do we consider that a cheating spouse is in our own home. That is, until one day you fear you are married to a cheater.
To start, the slow realization of a cheating spouse is a tiny alarm going off on your internal radar. Your spouses comings and goings start to raise your suspicions. Perhaps he/she has many phone calls at strange hours. Maybe your spouse just seems "absent" from your relationship - but happy. Bottom line is, most betrayed spouses can pinpoint the moment when adultery became reality in their life.
While not all affairs are the same, the majority of cheating spouses have some dirty little secrets in common. These same secrets are the tool to your sanity as you can learn these, look for them in your spouse, and then empower yourself to take the action you choose to take.
Cheating spouses hate lying to you - at first. Yes, it is true. Most spouses that are cheating really struggle with the dishonesty at first. Over time, the guilt becomes dull, and lying becomes a way of life and a matter of survival. If your spouse is portraying a very guilty attitude around you of late, you may have caught him/her at the beginning of an affair.
Unfaithful spouses are the some of the most stressed-out human beings you may ever come into contact with. The stress of lying, keeping up two dishonest lives, keeping all the lies in order, and trying to keep two partners content can be extremely over-whelming. While a new affair is not as stressful as one that has been on-going, most unfaithful spouses sub-consciously wish they would get caught so it will all just stop.
Cheaters need modern technology to keep their affair alive and well. Email and cell phones make infidelity much easier to maintain - they also make infidelity much easier to begin in the first place. If you suspect adultery in your relationship, start by going through all email and cell phone accounts. Any questionable email addresses or cell phone numbers should be traced right away.
Keep in mind that not all cheaters are bad people. Affairs actually can happen to decent people. Yes, an affair can even happen to a spouse that is worth keeping. The fear of being considered a "failure" due to a lapse in judgment keeps most unfaithful spouses involved in an affair.
If an affair is confirmed in your relationship, remember one thing. The next steps, actions and efforts are about you, the betrayed spouse. Do not waste your energy dwelling on the other woman (or man), do not waste your energy on the guilty spouse. You have just had a traumatic experience happen that will center around trust. The misconception is that healing from an affair involves learning to trust your spouse again. While this is on the list of future things to deal with, it is not your immediate concern. Your first concern will be to learn to trust YOURSELF again.
Cheating spouses tend to thrive off of the self-doubt betrayed spouses inflict upon themselves. The desire to trust is stronger than the desire to find out someone you are with is not trust-worthy. When infidelity is confirmed, the first victim of trust-issues is the betrayed spouses. Take time out for yourself and heal yourself before you attempt any other changes in your life.
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