Marriage And Divorce: When Are Differences Irreconcilable? - By: Shela Dean

CNN recently reported that divorce has a permanently bad affect on your mental and physical health. In my case, NOT getting a divorce would have been bad for my mental, and his physical, health. Sometimes we just blow it. Maybe we were too young to get married, we looked for love in the wrong place, or we didn and rsquo;t know when to just say, and ldquo;No! and rdquo; Then, we come to our senses and divorce is the answer.

Having said that, divorce sucks no matter what. The majority of divorced people have regrets. They are sorry they threw in the towel and wish they and rsquo;d tried harder. We used to be forced to try harder because it was legally difficult to get a divorce. Now, in most states, citing and ldquo;irreconcilable differences and rdquo; is enough, at least as far as the judge is concerned. Have you ever wondered what differences are so irreconcilable that, for example, the 20 year togetherness of Sean Penn and Robin Wright is kaput? Let s think about it for a minute . . .

Every couple has differences they and ldquo;reconcile and rdquo; every day. He and rsquo;s a dog person, she and rsquo;s a cat person. He loves eggplant, it makes her gag. She and rsquo;s crazy about opera, he and rsquo;s a heavy metal freak. He loves to camp, she and rsquo;s afraid of bugs. His favorite TV show is demolition derby, hers is Days of our Lives. She loves to scrapbook, he and rsquo;s into chain saw art. Differences. They make us interesting. True, they sometimes present real challenges. She and rsquo;s Catholic, he and rsquo;s Jewish and mdash;how do you raise the kids? He and rsquo;s believes in spanking, she doesn and rsquo;t and mdash;how do you discipline the kids? She likes to travel, he and rsquo;s a homebody and mdash;how do you spend vacation time? Challenging, yes. Irreconcilable, no.

So at what point do differences really become irreconcilable? It and rsquo;s the moment when you run out of the energy and desire it takes to do the hard work. Admittedly, there are times when you simply can and rsquo;t do more, don and rsquo;t want to do more, and just want out. That and rsquo;s okay. However, except in limited situations, e.g., where one refuses to stop smacking the other one around or refuses to give up side nooky, when a couple splits based on and ldquo;irreconcilable differences and rdquo; it really means they simply gave up. Maybe this is a distinction without a difference. But perhaps more couples would go that extra mile if, when contemplating divorce, they ask themselves, and ldquo;Are our differences really irreconcilable, or are we quitting because we and rsquo;ve run out of steam? and rdquo;

If you find yourself envying your single friends, or you or your sweetie are spending way too much time on thin ice or in the dog house, maybe it and rsquo;s time to put the attitude brakes on and make a U Turn in the way you think about your still significant other. Before you'reach the end of your emotional rope, try this: Take a quiet moment to think of times when your sweetheart made you think you and rsquo;re the luckiest person on the planet. Those times don and rsquo;t have to be the stuff of epic romance novels, just sweet times. Maybe it and rsquo;s the day you planted the now fully matured roses, or sat on a bench holding hands enjoying the view, or cooked Thai food together for the first time. Reliving those memories just might give you the oomph to work a tad harder at keeping your marriage together. Do it everyday. It and rsquo;s like vitamins and mdash;taking one won and rsquo;t make you healthy, but taking them every day is a step in the right direction. What have you got to lose?

Getting married is easy. Staying together often takes work. But remember this: There and rsquo;s only one thing as good as new love fireworks and it and rsquo;s this: The contented intimacy that comes with time and experience, with having grown old together. Hanging in there. It and rsquo;s worth it.

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Author Resource : Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and author of Frequent Foreplay Miles - Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey towards improving intimacy and strengthening marital bonds.